Journey to Julie

Right vs. Wrong

2006-08-02T15:21:00.000-05:00

I often think about my "golden" days in college and grad school (especially college) when I was in super-buff shape and worked hard to be that way. And try to figure out why I can't do that now. I thought it would be helpful to me (and maybe others as well) if I tried to write down what I was doing then vs. what I'm doing now and see if I can uncover some secrets. Here goes:

What I Did Then (1997):

1. Biked and/or walked to 3-4 classes everyday (easily a 1/2 hr bike ride to and from my farthest class).

2. Ate whatever I wanted in reasonable portions - ate what tasted good, was convenient, and made me feel good, not necessarily what was supposed to be good for me.

3. Ran three times a week with an equally motivated and able-bodied friend; took three aerobics classes a week with same friend. Actually scheduled exercise in like a class - no excuses to miss.

4. Concentrated on the present and a hopeful outlook on the future - not overcome with fears and anxiety over the future.

What I Do Now (2006):

1. Sit at a desk all day, walking from house to car, car to desk, and back again.

2. Ate whatever I want with no regard to portion sizes (the bigger the portion, the happier and less anxious I am); PLUS pressure myself to eat only what's good for me and have the perfect diet. I know - it's very contradictory, but I think you all can relate...

3. Try to walk 3-4 times a week with friends at work (45 minutes each), try to get on the treadmill or do a video each morning (averaging about once a week). Make a lot of excuses.

4. Constantly dread the future - the work I don't want to do, the bills I don't want to pay, the house I don't want to clean and maintain, the diet and exercise plan I don't want to follow, the dinner I don't want to cook, the kids I don't want to bathe... Ugh

Conclusions? A BIG difference, eh? Anyone see yourself in the above comparison??? I imagine that it's a pretty common scenario. I know it's opened my eyes a bit wider. The real question now is this: How can I make what I did THEN fit into my life NOW? What can I do NOW to give me the results I got THEN???

What I Need To Do Now to Look Like I Did Then:

1. Work activity into my day. Take 15 minute walks for my breaks, go up and down the stairs instead of the elevator (only one floor for crying out loud!), take frequent trips to the bathroom and water cooler, do office aerobics and office calisthenics. :-)

2. Go back to eating what tastes good, is convenient, and makes me feel good. Stop worrying so much about "healthy" (a trigger word), and focus more on "satisfaction" (a word that relates both physically and emotionally). Relearn the art of moderation.

3. Schedule in exercise as I would a doctor appointment or meeting at work. Do it with a buddy whenever possible. Make it fun.

4. Focus more on the present. Fill my head with thoughts of what I DO want, and crowd out all the thoughts of what I DON'T want. Put some blinders on to prevent me from getting distracted by what I DON'T want.

I've made a challenge with two friends at work. One is getting married mid-October, so our deadline is Oct 2. I've pledged 20 pounds. Loser has to buy lunch for the winners at the winners' choice of restaurant. I've got a long way to go! Wish me luck! :-)

Worthy

2006-07-12T15:38:00.000-05:00

The life I want starts today; the person I want to be is born today.

How corny is that? I was still depressed this afternoon. I had planned on taking today off work, but things kept coming up, so it didn't end up working out that way. Instead, when I had a chance, I took myself out for lunch. I like to do that sometimes - go sit in a restaurant alone, and know that that time is for me only. I can eat, drink, think, watch, be, and do whatever I want for however long I want.

Anyway, one of my favorite places to do this is the top-rated chinese restaurant here in town. And because my mood was so poor going into it, I ordered the most heart-stoppingly unhealthy thing on the menu - General Tso's chicken. But as I ate, I worked my thought process into a more positive frame of mind. By the time I was halfway done, I'd talked myself most of the way out of my funk. Then they brought the fortune cookie, which I'd completely forgotten about. By the time I'd finished (still with plenty of food left on my plate), I was feeling more centered. Then came the fortune cookie:

If you think you can, you can.

It's dumb, I know, but that phrase was exactly what I needed, and summed up what I'd been trying to tell myself through the whole meal. As I headed out of the restaurant and on to CVS (I always make that stop on the way back to work in case I need a chocolate fix), my fortune and my first declaration evolved into this:

Live the like you want. Be who you to be. You CAN do it. You ARE worth it.

How's that for a mood-lifting lunch? And you want to know what I ended up getting at CVS? Two magazines, 4 colorful pencils (4/$1), an index card holder, and pack of Hershey's Sticks (Dark). Never had them before, but they appealed to me because there are 9 sticks in this cute little box, and each stick is individually wrapped and only 60 calories each. As I was heading into my lunch, I was thinking I'd have to get like a big bag of peanut butter cups or something. As I headed out of my lunch, I was leaning more towards a bag of Dove Dark Promises. But by the time I got into CVS, I really didn't want anything. So this little bit that I did get can be used to satisfy a craving without blowing my goals, and it will last much longer than the much larger package I had initially thought to buy

Counting, waiting, and biking - sort of

2006-07-10T10:42:00.000-05:00

I'm lagging in my blogging motivation right now, but I'll give a quick update:

Diet - I'm counting my weight watchers points again, and that is going well. I'm not back to my pre-vacation weight yet, but it's only a matter of days! Also, since I'm back at work now, I'll be doing my walks during the day.

Job - No new yet. They said they'd be making a decision this week sometime, and it is SOOOO hard to wait! I keep replaying the interview over and over again in my head trying to pick it apart and gauge my performance. One minute, I think it went great, and the next minute I'm near tears because I'm convinced I blew it! Ugh!

Black eye - Took the kids for two bikes rides this weekend. The first one, DH ran next to DS's bike, and I ran with DD in the jogging stroller. That worked out well. The second one, DH rode his bike with DD on the back, and I ran next to DS's bike. Not so good. We are both klutzes! LOL He hasn't quite mastered the art of braking and steering at the same time. So he tried to slow down, looked down at his feet, and steered his bike right in front of me. He toppled over, and I dove over him. And landed on the blacktop. On my face. I have a nice bruise and a bit of road rash on my left cheek, some scraped up hands, and a heck of a bruise on my left shin where it must have hit the bike... And DS? Not a scratch on him. Guess the helmet, elbow pads, and knee pads have already paid for themselves. Maybe I should invest in a set for when I run??? ;-) Anyway, we brushed ourselves off, and continue on for the last mile of our route. That has to count for at least double in the exercise department, right?

Back at Home, Back on Program

2006-07-05T21:21:00.000-05:00

Here I am! I have not fallen off the face of the earth! :-) Just had a trip to visit family. I've been gone for 6 days, and have been on the road for 4 of them. I think I'm ready to chill out at home now, which is what I get to since I'm off work the rest of the week. Yay!

Anyway, my interview on Friday went well (I think). They had one more interview to conduct and said they plan on making a decision next week So I'm trying not to think about it took much right now. I'm not getting my hopes up, but the interview just cemented my desire - I really want this job. The people were so nice, and the job sounded like it fit my personality like a glove. Keep you fingers crossed for me! :-)

On the diet front, everything pretty much went out the window over the weekend. No real excuses, I (and my sister) just kind of gave in to temptation! But we're getting back on track today, and the pounds will start to fly off once again.

As for the trip itself it went pretty well. I got to spend three days with my brother and sister on our way to and from upstate NY, and it was really nice to be able to spend that time with them. Especially nice to have the time to chat with my sister. Thanks, Mary!!!

So, the rest of this week, I'll be getting back on track with my diet and exercise, hoping to be back to where I was when I weigh in on (but not before!) Monday.

Hope everyone had a safe, relaxing 4th!

Rhythm

2006-06-27T12:19:00.000-05:00

Well into week two of being "on plan", and things are going ok. My interview is Friday, and I'm using that as motivation. :-) Want to look as good as possible! Ok, so whatever I lose in the next 4 days (a pound? maybe 2) is not going to show on my body, but it will show up in my confidence.

I kind of feel like I'm establishing a new rhythm for myself in terms of when and what I eat, getting the exercise, etc. Had a good treadmill run this morning - bumped it up as planned. So I did 28 minutes total of running (3 8's and a 4). I tell you, it is rough to start a running routine less than 5 minute after rolling out of bed. Ugh. But by halfway through the first interval, I was more awake. And it felt great at the end!

Well, I have a meeting coming up, and since it's a web/teleconference, I'll probably try to do some work while it's going on. LOL Depends on how stimulating the conversation is!

Sorry for the short post. Just not much going on today. Keep on keeping on!

Most successful week

2006-06-26T08:02:00.000-05:00

Weight: 202 (down 6). Total lost=8, 42 to go.

Well, despite a couple of bumps in the road, my first week of really sticking to my plan ended with a very satisfactory weigh-in! Woohoo!!! I know that this is the ONLY time I'll see a loss like this, but it is very motivating! Especially since I struggled so much over the weekend. Get this - I turned down the best burger in town on Saturday, ice cream sundaes Saturday night, my favorite pasta salad Saturday night, chocolate chip cookies last night, pancakes with syrup yesterday morning, and waffles Saturday morning. All of the above were eaten by my family in front of me while I sat and talked with them, without too much of a struggle. That in and of itself is a big success! As I get a little more comfortable with my program, I'll be able to sneak in a few small treats (I did actually have one very small cookie), but right now it's just best if I abstain until I feel I can control myself.

So, as my first 5 pound reward, I've earned my first day off work (to be taken sometime this week, day TBA), and the right to go purchase a couple of new tank tops for hot weather walking.

OK - onto the job/interview front. I talked to my friend last night - the one whose old job it is, and the one who recommended I apply. She said, and I quote, "I probably shouldn't say this, but I will. I do know that they were very impressed with your resume!" Ack! This was just before bed last night. You think I slept last night? NOT! I shut off my 5am alarm when I was still awake at 3am. I did finally fall asleep sometime shortly after 3, but there was no way I was getting on the treadmill at 5! Anyway, I'll be taking Benadryl or Tylenol PM before every night this week I can tell. I am very nervous/excited about this interview on Friday. I SO hope it goes well! The more I think about it, the more I want it!!!

Anyway, that about sums up my mood this morning. Tired, happy, nervous, anxious. I have a bunch of this I need to get done today, so I'll wrap this up. Thanks for all the support everyone!

finishing strong

2006-06-24T14:22:00.000-05:00

Weekend is upon us, and I'm determined to finish off my week strong. Weigh-in is Monday, and I know it will be good news. I just have to keep a reign on myself until then! Yesterday was pretty rough, with the interview news and my weekly lunch date, but it could have been worse. I'm not counting yesterday as being on my meal plan though - it was just too rough. I also didn't exercise last night - I was exhausted But otherwise, I've earn everned every other challenge point this week, and I'm feeling good!

I just got off the treadmill for my run. I'm doing 40 minutes total right now, including 24 min of running (4 intervals of 6 minutes). I think next week I'll bump it up to 3 8's plus a 4 at the end. My goal is to be able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. I'm still a ways off from there, but each week will bring me closer! I keep having to bump the speed up a bit to keep from kicking the front of the treadmill. Today I did most of my running at 5.3mph, with probably 2-3 minutes at 5.5 and 1.5 min (my last sprint) at 6.3. So, my base pace is an 11.3 minute mile. I want to be able to run for 30 minutes continuously at a 10 minute mile. I can do it!

DS and DH should be on their way back from the movies about now, and DD is starting to wake up from her nap. It's been some nice quiet time here. Workout, shower, computer time. I have to take it whenever I can get it!

Ok - guess I'll go throw a load of laundry in and start the dishwasher before DD completely wakes up. Have a great weekend!

Interview email!

2006-06-23T08:41:00.000-05:00

I am so excited, I don't know what to do with myself! I got an email this morning requesting an INTERVIEW!!!

Ok, so it's just an interview and a LONG way from an offer, but it's more than I've had so far! And I know the person who used to be in this job (she quit to stay home with her kids), she's the one who told me to apply. So I did and dropped her name in the cover letter. I know that this job is in the pay range I need, but I'm not sure if the work itself it really what I'm looking for. On the other hand, if it gets me out of here, that's already a step in the right direction. Anyway, I'll be calling my friend this weekend to pick her brain some more about this job and get any interview tips that I can. Wish me luck everyone!!!

On the health front, today will mark 5 whole days in a row of sticking to my goals and plan. I really hope to see some nice weight loss when I weigh on Monday, but my body already feels better and more alive. My mood has finally started to improve these last two days as well. Wouldn't a new job just be the icing on the cake? :-)

OK - well, I'm now too jittery to do anything for very long, so this is a short post today! Have a great weekend! (DH is planning on taking my son to see Cars this weekend, so that will be fun. Me? I'm just going to hang out and relax I think!)

On to Day 4

2006-06-22T08:14:00.000-05:00

Feeling a little better today mood-wise. Maybe my little "funk be gone" chant yesterday is helping.

Last night was a near miss on the falling-off-the-wagon front. I started in the kitchen after dinner and made it through a granola bar, a popsicle, and a package of Dora snacks (yeah, I know, how old am I?), before I stopped myself. But the important part it is that I DID stop myself before it got out of control. And then I journalled what I ate, and drew a line to mark the end of my eating day. And I left the kitchen and didn't go back. I figure all in all, I did about 250 calories of damage at the most, which is within the realm of reason. Not even enough, relatively speaking, to consider it "off program." It may even help me in the long run.

Oh - and I narrowly escape an encounter with the scale last night. I talked myself out of it in the end. (Do I really want to get discouraged? Will it really help me stay on track? Will it really help me get through the week? Is there anything good that could come of it? The answers to all were NO.)

So, today, I'm back at it. Getting ready to have my oatmeal for breakfast. Already downed 30 ounces of water (woke up very thirsty this morning - hopefully not the start of a sore throat...). And plan to do my walk this morning and treadmill run tonight.

Some thoughts for the day. I've been trying to come up with some of my major issues that I need to work on, and I've got two. Guilt and Confidence. Too much guilt (for no reason) and too little confidence (also for no apparent reason). It doesn't take much to send me on a wild, depressing guilt trip, and I lack the confidence to stand up for myself and take comments at face value. I internalize things that have no business being internalized. If I can work on these things, I know that I'll see big improvements in my life. But how to start? I need to figure out where to draw my boundaries and how thick to make them...

Funk Be Gone

2006-06-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

Well, another day's goal is in the pocket. I made it two days in a row yesterday, and am working on three today. I've also earned all my challenge points for two straight days so far, too. Wohoo!!! Hopped on my treadmill for my run last night and actually had to bump up the speed a bit to keep my feet from hitting the front of the treadmill! Haven't weighed since Monday (another big deal for me), and I'm going to try to hold off on that until next Monday.

Finally, despite all of this, I have been in such a FUNK of a mood for the past few days! Just generally angry with the world for not being the way I want it to be. Unsociable, too. I think it has a lot of do with the fact that I'm trying to actually deal with all of my issues rather than stuff them down with food, and it's really wigging me out. I'm trying not to let it affect my motivation and determination. I keep telling myself that if I can stick it out and make it work, that I'll be so much happier on so many levels in the end... That if I can stick it out, my mood will improve dramatically - much more so than it would if I continue to eat my stress... Right? It has to be right. Please tell me I'm not just your stereotypical irritable dieter!

I do think that I'm starting to see some improvements in the appearance of my lower legs. I have a strange body - when I lose weight/get in shape, I notice it from the ankles up. Is it a sad demonstration of how many times I've tried this that I know this fact? Anyway, my lower legs (ankles, calves, just above the knees) are starting to tone up a little I think.

Another baby step? I think that I'm regaining some of my flexibility. I've always LOVED stretching - it's by far my favorite part of exercising. I could stretch for an hour. But I've lost a lot of that flexibility, and it was no longer fun. Now that I'm stretching every day again, I'm starting to see some of that come back. I think the main thing holding me back in that department right now is simple mass. My gut gets in the way when I try to do certain things. So, another thing I'm looking forward to being able to do as I lose weight is to be able to stretch the way I want, as far as I want, without rolls of fat limiting my range of motion. OK - so sometimes strange things motivate me, but I'm not knocking it if it works!

Success begins with a single day

2006-06-20T07:52:00.000-05:00

At least I hope so. I achieved my goal yesterday! One entire day of sticking to my food plan. I learned something too - avoiding conflict is a major eating trigger for me. What was different last night? I unleashed all of my frustration out on my poor husband and picked a fight. Whether he deserved it or now. LOL And amazingly, my normally inescapable urge to stuff my face before dinner (which has surfaced but had not yet been heeded) vanished!

So from now on, I'm going to make a point to work on being more assertive. The trick will be to learn how to be assertive without pissing everyone off within a 50 foot radius! LOL Wish me luck on that one...

So, the good news is that I finally met my ONE goal yesterday, and that was to stick to my food plan. Shall we make it two days in a row??? (Oh, and for the first time EVER, I think, I earned all 4 challenge points yesterday!)

I also got my morning walk in with friends yesterday, and I did 10 min on the treadmill last night followed by some strength training. Today, I have my morning walk, and will get on the treadmill tonight for my run.

Quick job hunting update - I now have 4 active applications out there. I checked on the two oldest yesterday. The one that I REALLY wanted said they've had two people in for interviews but haven't made an offer yet (guess I didn't even make the first cut, boohoo!), and the other hasn't responded to me yet. *sigh* Something has to come up, I know it, and I need to keep the faith that it will all work out for the best in the end...

one big goal

2006-06-19T08:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday went fantastic - right up until about 3:30 pm. That's binge time for me - every day it seems, and I don't know what to do to get past it! It's a stressful time (starting dinner preps, thinking about the end of the work day, transitioning into home, chasing kids away from the stove, avoiding housework, just not able to settle and relax in my own skin), and there are so many things that are wrapped up into that time of day, that my head just goes into overload, and my teeth and jaws and taste buds take over.

I do great most days now up until that time of day, and them BAM, it's over. Everything falls apart. I'll even have most of my water in before then, but then stop drinking when I start eating. And then once I've done the eating, the exercising is out of the question. If I could just make it though those few hours, I'd be in good shape. And it's ALL in my head, there is no physical reason for me to be eating like that then.

OK - so my ONE goal for today is to stick to my food plan for one stinking day... (My friends will drag me out on my 45 min walk this morning, so I don't have to worry about that.)

Good news is, I haven't gained any weight back. I was back up to 210 yesterday after the weekend birthday festivities, but am back to 208 this morning. 2 down, 48 to go!

Give me strength

2006-06-17T19:29:00.000-05:00

Here I am again, at the end and the beginning. At the end of an eating frenzy (not that unusual when I have company), and the beginning of a new start on a healthier me. Inside and out. I hope. Please.

If I sound a little desperate, it's because I am, and I'm tired. :-) I imagine that Mary is much MORE tired than I am since her baby kept her up all night after I kept her up late this weekend, but I am very tired too, and I'm not entirely sure why. It must have something to do with what I eat, and the way that I think. Depression is exhausting, for sure.

Anyway, Mary and I start new "health" journals tomorrow (the paper variety). I hesitate to call it a "diet" journal or a "food" journal because 1) those labels are ridden with dangerous thoughts of denial and deprivation and 2) we (or at least I) will be putting more into it that just what I eat. I'll put my exercise, thoughts, etc. there. So far, I've put a weight log on the front inside cover and a list of 11 "rules" for me to try to follow. I'm trying to be realistic and stick to moderation, but also challenging and effective. My 11 "rules" are:

1) Mindful eating. If you cannot eat mindfully, then don't eat.
2) Water. 80+ oz/day
3) Vitamins every day
4) Plan ahead. Plan meals ahead, but allow for flexibility.
5) Self care. Take care of myself so I feel good.
6) Walk. At least 45 minutes, 5+ times/week.
7) Flex/Core. Do flexibility and core exercises (5-10 min total) 5+ times/wk
8) Endurance. 3+ 30-minute runs/week.
9) Strength. 3+ 20-minute strength sessions/week.
10) Relax and recharge. 2+ times/day, go inside myself and de-stress, reinvigorate, and find peace.
11) Find meaning. Every day, reach out, connect, learn, or do something meaningful to me.

My mom scared me a little bit this weekend talking about her need to go to the doctor. She's already on high blood pressure medicine, acid reflux medication, and high cholesterol medication in addition to her glaucoma medication. All except the glaucoma medication could probably be fixed with a healthier lifestyle. But now, she's talking about wanting to go get tested for diabetes as well, which runs rampant in her family, because of some symptoms she's having. All I can see is me going down that same path as her, only at a much faster pace. I'm only 30, and I already feel like crap most of the time, in addition to looking like crap and thinking crappy thoughts. I have to do something about this, or I'm not going to have anything near the kind of life that I want to have.

This just has to change. Please, give me the strength to change.

Hung up

2006-06-15T21:28:00.000-05:00

Quick post here. It has been a hellacious week at work. Every day, I get a little more bogged down and depressed, and everyday I have to pick myself back up and go at it again. It's getting really old...

Needless to say, I'm getting hung up on this whole stress management thing. What's that? Not something I have any skills in, clearly... I really need to improve my stress management skills and my time management skills (something I used to be REALLY good at - what happened? I have no clue...). Anyway, diet has been down the drain. I have, however, been getting one good workout in everyday, whether it is our 45 minute (fast) walk, or my treadmill run/walk. So that at least is a plus. Plus the food is going to negate all of that kill any chance for my weight to do anything but go up, rather than down.

My mom, dad, sister, and sister's kids are coming tonight for the weekend. I'm really excited about that, but I know that I don't stand a chance in the diet department this weekend. Between constant snacking, going out to eat, and my daughter's birthday party, I'm just doomed any way you look at it. They'll be heading home Saturday afternoon, so maybe I can repent on Sunday after they leave.

I promise, I'll check back in on Sunday! Maybe my sister and I will iron out a plan to put us both on the right track!

Starting strong

2006-06-14T07:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was such a bad day, I collapsed at 9:30 last night! And then, as is par for the course when I get stressed, I woke up at 3am with my mind reeling. (I always fall asleep in a heartbeat when I'm stressed, but staying asleep is another story.) I just could not go back to sleep. Got out of bed at 4, puttered around the house, and hopped on the treadmill at 5 for my morning run. Had a great workout this morning! 40 minutes total, including 24 minutes of running (4 6-minute intervals).

Breakfast was my oatmeal and soy milk - and I'm really starting to enjoy it. Just plain old oats cooked in soy milk - no sugar, no salt, etc. Just good old (healthy) comfort food. Also had 30 ounces of water in me before work. Go me! :-)

Ok - short post this morning - have lots to do at work today to catch up from yesterday. Ugh!

Bad, bad day

2006-06-13T19:49:00.000-05:00

Not bad so much because I didn't stick to my plan (I did go off a bit, but not horribly so), but bad because it was just a sucky, frustrating, crapola kind of day. The kind that you hope to simply survive and not screw up so badly that it follows you into the future. It's over now, and all I want to do is shut down.

Anyway - My food plan WOULD have gone well today if, on top of all the stress, a friend had not also brought me a container of homemade chocolate chip cookies. At least the good (?) news is that I didn't eat both that AND my planned lunch and snacks. Basically, my food during the day (after breakfast, before dinner) consisted of chocolate chip cookies and 4 ravioli. Nice, huh? I did get my walk in, so that's a plus.

So, my day left me drained and discouraged. I was ready to give in, binge, and be lazy. But journaling here has strangely uplifted me a bit. Plus, my sister called a few minutes ago (in the middle of writing this post, actually), and that always helps too. Love ya, Mare! J

Ugh - ok, so my game plan for tonight is to drink a bunch of water, do some relaxation exercises, and go to bed semi-early. And plan to get up for an early morning run. And hope that tomorrow is better than today…

Mini goals times two

2006-06-13T10:29:00.000-05:00

Weight 207 (down 2.5)

Yesterday went REALLY well, except for a bit of slip in the food plan while cooking dinner yesterday (small serving of potato chips, granola bar, and some Nutella). Other than that, it was good, and I hope to do even better today.

It's a lazy-feeling day here. Did not get up early - felt very "out-of-it" this morning. But everything else has gone well so far. Some good news - I'm a ThinChic "winner" this week because I lost 1.5 pounds! Did not expect that! But it's much appreciated, and good motivation to keep it up.

Something that I think I need to do to keep myself in the present and not bogged down in self-pity is to set some short term goals. So, I'm setting two short term goals. First, to get back below 200 pounds (a couple of weeks?), and second, to earn 20 thinchic points this week.

new day, new me!

2006-06-12T08:56:00.000-05:00

new start - Day 1, Weight 208 (down 1.5)

Hey everyone! Well - I did it. Crossed all three things off my list last night, AND got started this morning. I got up at 5am this morning (YAY!!!!!) and did my 30 min run/walk, which included 18 minutes of running (3 6-minute intervals).

It felt great to have the house all to myself this morning, PLUS, now I can do whatever I want with my time tonight without feeling guilty that I'm not on the treadmill. Those two reasons alone should be enough to motivate me to get up again tomorrow. (plus, the last two times that I was in really great shape, I did it by exercising early in the am). I still plan to get in my 45 minute walk this afternoon, and stick to all my meal plans. This is going to be a great day!

Ok - off to get ready for a meeting. Will check back in later!

Last Day

2006-06-11T14:45:00.000-05:00

For some reason, I have Monday in mind as the day when I begin to implement my new plan and lifestyle. I don't know why, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that it's tomorrow, and not today. I always seem to be able push things back a day. I don't want to do it today, I'll start it tomorrow. It's too much to think about today, I'll think about it tomorrow. And so on. Every day. And yet, here I am doing it today, again. The difference, and I think it is a big difference, is that I have support this time - and my support is also starting tomorrow. Plus, I'm still in the process of designing my plan (which is another convenient excuse), and I want to have a serious chat with DH about it. Again, more excuses, and they will only become valid reasons *if* I actually do them, and then follow-up by starting as planned. So, here's my "to-do" list for today. My last day of "gearing up"; My last day of excuses; My last day of surrendering control of my life to something entirely out of my control; My last day as someone I don't want to be.

Finish my plan - food plan, exercise plan/schedule, and stress management plan.
Create paper log to post where I'll see it often.
Sit down and talk with DH about my plans, goals, and what I need him to do for me.

I'll post again tonight or first thing tomorrow morning with my finalized plan and to confirm that I've actually completed these steps.

Family blogging

2006-06-10T20:04:00.000-05:00

Yay! My sister has started her very first blog. Way to go Mary, and good luck!

So Mary is making herself over, and I'm trying to find (or rather rediscover) myself. I think that it really all boils down to the same thing - trying to make our lives and our bodies match what we envision them to be. We are both tackling the planning steps this weekend. Laying out our goals, our plans, and our commitments. I can't wait to see what we become. Look out world, here come the Slimmin' Sisters! :-)

Must. Make. Myself. Journal...

2006-06-09T08:36:00.000-05:00

Day 5, Weight 209.5 (down 0)

I am a fair-weather type person, and I hate that about me. By that, I mean that I'm a fair-weather journaler, fair-weather exerciser/dieter, and probably even a fair-weather friend. When the going gets tough, I run. Away. That's what I want to do today. But, I'm going to force myself to journal.

This is SO not a good day. I got a work-related call just before I left yesterday that made me really uncomfortable, and that continues today because the person that called me emailed me some files to review - and I really don't want to even be involved. Ugh. I think that yesterday triggered a lot of things in me. I stuck to my food plan until after dinner (so, actually, I did make my goal!), but then it just went downhill from there. Of course, spending the next hour in the kitchen making food for today's preschool graduation didn't help matters, but I can't blame it on that either, as I didn't break down until we'd finished with the food preparations.

Ugh. (I'd insert some choice words and phrases here, but I believe in PG-rated journals... At least the online variety anyway.) I guess the good news is that home life actually went well last night.

Now - here it is the next morning, and what is on my mind? Vending machine. Chocolate, sugar, anything that can fill my mouth and occupy my mind.

One thing that I did decide last night is that this EverSlim thing is not going to work. I noticed no difference with it, and got tired of beating myself up about how I'd given in to it. If I take any more pills, I think they'll be be just the Green Tea extract. I just know, though, that pills--even if they are "magic pills" that actually make you lose weight, which simply don't exist--are not going to solve my issues. As much as I want to get this weight off, I want to solve the underlying problems more, and I know the weight loss will follow.

And I still pray that every time the phone rings -- both at work and at home -- that it's someone calling me about a new job interview. I'm convinced that a new job would go a long want in helping me get better. I REALLY hope I'm not wrong about that! But in the meantime, there isn't much I can do but muddle through and take it a few minutes at a time.

So, I'm re-evaluating my approach and motivations a bit. Probably going more towards the balanced/sensible/moderation end of the spectrum (where I was on the willing-to-do-anything, how-little-can-I-eat end), and probably leaning towards being happy with a slower rate of weight loss (where I was on the accelerated, must lose 5 pounds a week end). Again, I just need to slow my brain down, re-engage in life, enjoy the journey, be consistent but flexible, and do the best that I can. I want to develop habits, and a body, that I can maintain for life.

One big boat

2006-06-08T11:55:00.000-05:00

As I was on my lunchtime walk today (alone, a rarity), I got to thinking about me, and others, why I have such a hard time while others seem to be able to do it (be healthy, happy, etc.) so easily. I was waving to people that drove by, said "hi" to a guy walking a ridiculously small Dachshund (sp?) puppy, waved to a cop sitting in a speed trap, etc. And the whole while thinking, how do they do it?

Well, then it hit me (after contemplating the friendly wave from the cop while he performed perhaps the least appreciated service that cops do - catching speeders). We are really all in the same boat. We all have issues, problems, and struggles in our lives. And not only that, we all have to find our own way through them. Even if we have help, support, and "programs", it is still up to each and every one of us to decide for ourselves what works for us and what doesn't. What feels good and what causes pain. What is worthwhile and what is a waste of time/money. What is important and what can be/will be neglected. We have all find our own path through this thing called LIFE, and every person has to have a different path. And not only that, but EVERY path (e.g., not just mine) is HARD!

So, I guess what this all boiled down to for me is that instead of isolating myself and alienating myself and pitying myself all the time, what would really help me (and others!) is to JOIN them. Re-engage in life, be a friend, be a member of the community, share struggles, share successes, commiserate over failures.

In short, pull my head out of my own rear-end and take in the world around me. Be a part of it. Re-engage. (Whenever I say this word, I feel like Tom Cruise at the end of Top Gun, re-engaging in the battle, re-joining his wingman to help him diffuse the enemy. A very fitting analogy, I think!)

Lots of baby steps = real progress?

2006-06-08T09:22:00.000-05:00

Week 1, Day 4, Weight 208 (down 1.5)

Yesterday went really well for the most part! A couple of little slip-ups in the food department - definitely too many to count as sticking to my meal plan, and certainly too many for long term weight loss/maintenance, but still an improvement over yesterday. (OK, so the cupcakes and leftover frosting turned out to be too much of a temptation! LOL)

BUT, I did get nearly two hours of cardio yesterday (a total of about 6 miles - 3 walking, 3 walk/running), plus a 15 minute total body toning routine. So, I figure I burned off at least 600 calories - probably not enough to cover my "straying" from the food plan, but it felt good.

Plus, I made it all the way to 5pm before I strayed - it was, as usual, while I was cooking dinner. I think I have a problem partially with the work-home transition, and partially due to the tension between dh and the kids (lots of yelling, lots of preschooler hyperness). Maybe if I played a more pro-active role in mediating that, and took myself out of the kitchen while food was cooking, it would help. Even if I feel like I'm shouldering the bulk of the parenting responsibility, I think that more peace at home would be well-worth it. Besides, Mark shoulders a lot of the housework, so I should probably do more the kid-chasing anyway. Is this a realistic perspective? A survival instinct? Or just my typical self-inflicted guilt trip? Anyway, my big goal for today is not to blow my meal plan when I get home from work.

Here's my plan for today:

Breakfast: oatmeal, soy milk, pear

Lunch: PBJ on double fiber wheat bread, apple, yogurt, green salad

Snack: banana

Dinner: grilled fish filet, steamed brussel sprouts, brown rice, green beans

Exercise: 45 min lunchtime walk, 30 min evening treadmill run/walk, stretching and core (abs & back) exercises

Other: 80 ounces water, EverSlim (day 3)

Binge stoppers

2006-06-07T11:41:00.000-05:00

Some other things I can do to stop the binges:

STOP and drink some tea. The small caffeine hit and quiet time might help. (won't work before bed, obviously)

Email one of my new "buddies" at work.

Come read my blog. I really should post a list of my motivations, or maybe put a jar on my desk and write motivations on individual sheets of paper. When I'm about to crack, I STOP, pull a random motivation out, and focus on that until the craving is under control.

Call my sister, or find someone to chat with online.

Plan my next day off. :-)

Better choices?

2006-06-07T08:33:00.000-05:00

Date: 6/7/06
Week 1, Day 3, Weight 208.5 (down 1.0)

Good morning everyone. I'm feeling good this morning. Motivated. Determined to improve upon yesterday. Let me summarize how things went. You can see below what my planned menu was, and which of those things I did not eat. You can also see which exercise I did and did not do. Well, add to that menu the following things (and no, I wasn't even hungry) - 3 packs (yes, that's 3 packs of 6 each) of Captain's wafers (eaten in a rush of anxiety late afternoon), ~1c leftover buttered egg noodles (eaten cold while cooking dinner), and some butter and cheddar cheese on my potato (instead of cottage cheese) plus cheese and croutons on my salad. When we got home, dh decided that he wanted twice baked potatoes instead of the plain baked potatoes that were already in the oven, so that's what I made. Of course, it didn't occur to me that *I* could have still had my potato as planned - not until this morning anyway.

So - what went wrong today? How can I prevent this from happening every day (which is does)? It certainly won't move me towards my goals to keep this up. All I can think for now is that it will maybe help if I notice what is happening (preferably BEFORE I start eating) and STOP whatever I am doing (working, cooking, eating, surfing, etc.) and just sit with myself until I'm back in balance. Whether that means just sitting quietly, journaling, meditating, stretching, walking around the block, I don't know. But something that breaks that automatic hand-to-mouth reflex and helps me reconnect with what is solid and real, remind myself of my goals, and put perspective on the journey. If I can do this, just maybe I'll be able to short-circuit the overload (and, hence, the overeating).

Personally, I feel like the fact that I am even journaling about this -- after a day like yesterday -- is a step in the right direction and a good sign of my commitment. I generally would avoid facing it and thinking about it this way. But I know that if I don't face it and overcome it, that "it" will win. And I've already decided that *I* will win. :-) The real test will be to see if I can follow through on it. My new buzzword has to become STOP, followed by THINK, and then DIVERT. Wish me luck!

Plan for today:

Breakfast: oatmeal, soy milk, pear (no), EverSlim, water

Lunch: tuna sandwich, yogurt, apple, EverSlim, water

Snack: banana

Dinner: veggie burger on bread (roll, with cheese), brussel sprouts (no), green salad with lite dressing (and cheese), water

Bedtime: EverSlim, water

Exercise: 45 minute walk (3 miles, yes), 30 minutes treadmill (yes), strength routine (yes). (plus, a "run" with my 4 year old around to neighborhood to burn off hyper preschooler energy!)

My daughter's birthday party at school is today, and I will not be eating the cupcakes. Think I'll keep myself busy by helping out 16 toddlers with theirs. ;-) (OK, so I ended up eating 4 mini cupcakes (about 1.5 regular?) plus all the leftover frosting (600 cals?)

The ball starts rolling

2006-06-06T08:23:00.000-05:00

Date: 6/6/06
Week 1, Day 2, Weight 209 (down 0.5)

OK - let's get this show on the road! Did my grocery shopping last night, and carefully planned out my meals for the week. Also - I've been thinking for a while about trying some of the weight loss supplements that Wal-Mart sells, and I finally broke down and bought a bottle last night out of my own pocket (not the family grocery budget!). It was a choice between SlimQuick and EverSlim. I chose the EverSlim primarily because it also has a nighttime formula to help you sleep, and I know that lack of quality sleep is one of my biggest challenges (plus it was $5 cheaper!). I may switch to SlimQuick once I'm well rested again because it has higher concentrations of and more active ingredients, but we'll see.

One thing I am really trying to do is to keep my menus simple. I've found that too much variety is a problem for me, and if I can stick to a handful of balanced foods and simple rules I know I will do much better. For instance, I plan to have the same breakfast all this week (oatmeal, soy milk, fruit). I may change to a different breakfast next week, but for this week, I know what I'm eating and don't have to think about it in the mornings. My lunches are all based on the same formula (soup or sandwich plus yogurt and apple). My dinners are also simple (meat or other protein plus two veggies).

So: here's my planned (~) menu for today. I'll check them off (>) here as I eat them.

Breakfast:
> 1/2 c quick oats cooked in 1c light soy milk
> 1 c calcium fortified OJ
> Vitamins and EverSlim (day)
> 20 oz water

Lunch:
> tuna sandwich w/ light mayo on double fiber wheat bread
> light blueberry yogurt
> apple
> EverSlim (day)
> 20 oz water

Snack:
(no) banana
> 20 oz water

Dinner:
> baked potato topped with cottage cheese (no c. cheese)
> green salad topped with carrots, peas (no), almonds (no), and Light dressing
> EverSlim (night)
> 20 oz water (10 ounces only)

Planned Exercise: 45 min walk at lunch (about 3 miles, done), 30 min run/walk after dinner (not done), total body toning (all 3 waves, not done))

All in all, I feel great today. Ready to have a positive day, keep a healthy perspective on work, and be productive.

On the LIFE front, my daughter's having her second birthday party at daycare tomorrow (actual birthday not until next week), and both kids are participating in the graduation ceremony Friday night. So I have cupcakes to make tonight and piles of PBJ to make for the graduation potluck. But the events will be lots of fun, and I am really looking forward to it! And, I know that I don't need to eat the food to enjoy myself and be there for my kids.

I got home from the store last night to find that my husband had already gone to bed. I hate to admit this, but I was really PO'd that he didn't stay up to help me unload groceries. I mean, the guy was TIRED from our traveling, and here I am going into the bedroom to yell at him for not giving me a hand. Did it make me feel better? No - it made me feel worse, and it made DH feel like crap as well. Part guilt (I'm big on guilt, both getting and giving, apparently), part fed-up. Part of this journey is to balance my emotions and establish a calmness that lets me put things into perspective before I fly off the handle like that, and this is a prime example of what I want to improve upon.

Starting over, again...

2006-06-05T14:58:00.000-05:00

Date: 6/5/06
Week 1, Day 1, Weight 209.5 (down 0)

Hello world! It the new me! (well, ok, so it's the old me - the one that hasn't seen the light of day for a number of years - getting all dusted off and polished up...) Join me as I relearn who this person called "Julie" really is...

It may appear that this is a weight loss journal. Truthfully, that is a large part of what this blog will be, and that part of my journey will take up a substantial amount of the words and space here. But in reality, the work that goes on in my mind is the real challenge - and the real reward. I hope that you'll join me to follow (and support!) both my physical and mental/emotional/spiritual journey here. And maybe - just maybe - I'll be an inspiration to someone else on down the road just as others have inspired me.

I'll be posting here as often as possible, with the goal of every day. If I'm out of town for a couple of days (like this weekend), I'll write on my Pocket PC while I'm gone and then upload everything here when I return.

I'll be posting a daily checklist, a food journal, exercise log, mind/body/soul activities, and daily positive thoughts. Some days will be longer than others, but I hope that this will finally be the journal system that I've been looking for.

Let's get this show on the road!
Julie